The Value of Friendship

***Originally posted on cregarstyle on November 20, 2014***

When you are a child it is easy to make friends.  You have no fear of being socially rejected, you have a group of 20 peers around you for most of your day, and most kids have built in friends with siblings.  I sat down with my junior and senior girls (I teach a youth group for our church) a couple weeks back and chatted with them about what it means to be a good friend.  I was surprised by their maturity and wisdom.  I am constantly learning from these beautiful young women and I hope they learn as much from me as I do them.

The most startling thing I heard from these girls was that for as sweet, charismatic, and genuine as they all are, finding true friends has proven to be difficult.  When discussing what they value in a true friend I was expecting to hear mostly superficial answers to the tune of "a good friend is funny" or "a good friend is someone you have fun hanging out with" but as usual, these girls blew me away with answers like "a true friend values your problems no matter how big or small," "a true friend is someone who is loyal in action and words," and "a true friend is someone who will keep you accountable."  Such wise words from such young women.  I am sorry for ever underestimating you ladies!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!... Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12

This passage, which clearly explains the value of friendship, was precisely what my girls were telling me.  A friend is someone who picks you up when you struggle and keeps you on the right path.  A friend is someone who will stand with you in the good times and the bad.  Then I asked them a question that altered our discussion drastically...If we know what a true friend looks like, why is it that they are hard to come by?  And do we think that we are true friends at all times to others?  I am pretty sure I blew my own mind with that question, and therefore I am positive I can take ABSOLUTELY ZERO credit for the question...Thank You Holy Spirit for the words!

As usual the girls rose to the occasion and answered the difficult question rather honestly, saying "no, we aren't always true friends at all times to all people."  They went on to explain that true friends in this world are hard to come by because a lot of times people aren't truly listening when you are talking, but instead are waiting for you to finish so that they can turn the conversation back to their own self.  At this point I had a horrifying realization that I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!  I am so sad to admit it, but I would be lying if I didn't.  Not all the time, but more than I am proud of.  I wish I could say that since this discussion a couple weeks ago I have been a true friend more often than not, but that is probably not the case.  However, I am more aware of my narcissism.  Even just looking back over yesterday's text message conversations with some of my best friends I am seeing a pattern of the typical "hey, what's going on with you?" to which they usually reply with a short and vague response and ask how I am.  The scary part is that when I reply, it is usually with an issue or life event I want to share with them which then starts down a discussion that is mostly centered around me.  HOW SELFISH OF ME!  All of that got me to thinking, do I just reach out to my friends when I want to talk about me?

With this terrifying realization that I am not as great of a friend as I thought I was, I have decided that for the next 10 days (gotta start with small goals so that I can achieve them and build to bigger goals) I want to only seek out my friends in an effort to be supportive to them.  Now support can be given a large variety of ways, but the goal is to be giving more to my friends than I am getting in support from them, which will be hard because I have some pretty amazing friends.  This also called me to assess what type of person I am if I have been that selfish.

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

-Proverbs 13:20

A lot of times I have read this verse and thought "well I need to have better friends so I can be a better person."  Any word can replace "better" in that sentence...smarter, healthier, more loving, more active, more successful, etc.  What didn't occur to me until today is that this is a two way street.  Goodness have I been wrapped up in my own self!  I need to be a better, smarter, healthier, more loving, more active, and more successful friend so that I am not a fool who drags my friends down.

I plan to be working on this end of the year resolution and hopefully I can become the kind of friend that I want in someone else.  Until then...